Thank you for making me stronger than myself! I cannot be a straw for you to be always clutching at. I don’t want to be a straw, neither a branch, nor a tree. I sometimes hardly keep myself from drowning.
I cannot be support to anyone if I feel weakness in my heart. I cannot guard and defend.
I cannot give!
I need space for myself!
I want space – I want to create it myself. I want to reshape it, bring walls down when I don’t like them, and build them up again. I want to collect my trash and useless possessions, throw them away and then I want to miss them.
This is my space! I decide who and when they enter it. There are no keys to it.
I want time for myself!
I want to waste it in silence, in pointlessness, in nonsense… I want to come and go according to my time, not yours! I want time to lose if I want to, but I want to try and find that part of me which I never have the time for… Time which no one is going to have a watch to!
Yes, I fear!
I am afraid of loneliness, of indifference, of failure. I am afraid of making an irretrievable mistake. Of being wrong somewhere! But I am most afraid of myself. Therefore, let me face my biggest fear! Let it happen, so that I can overcome it!
Yes, I feel!
Silently, I feel both pleasure and pain. I do not love in words… like most of them.
I get angry out of nothing. But out of nothing I calm down, as well.
Do not look for this anger in me in order to control it because it will not spare you!
Yes, I may go away any time soon and without any reason. And yes, there may not be anything to stop me.
But there may be something to make me stay!
I don’t want you to understand me, agree with me, or argue with me.
This is who I am. With or without you.
Love me if you can.
It is not obligatory!
Text: Eva Koleva
Photo: Tigran Tsitoghdzyan